♥
Break me open, tear me down into pieces
Broken crumbs, on the ground

You can mould and shape me in your image
Breathe your life; you know I need it

Scars make us stronger for life

Losing myself, gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness

♥

Okay, after I got back from my last paper, I did nothing.
Doing nothing wasn't particularly fun, but an interesting experience.

Fret not, today's the last time that'll ever happen - maybe until after A Levels.

Things I want to do: (in no particular order)
(1) Join Kumon
(2) Do tons of voluntary work - so fun - starting with SJH.
(3) Help my sister with everything she needs in prepration for Os
(4) Type out Lit stuff for Mrs Tan - I owe her for having made her rewire and all
(5) Pick up litter with cool tongs (I don't particularly enjoy using my hands)
(6) Go to the library and immerse myself in Literature
(7) Go to my grandmother's house and spend time with her
(8) Choir - are we allowed back still?
(9) Clean teacher's homerooms - but no one else wants to, so can't :(
(10) Brush up on MT (no choice in JC!)
(11) Go to.
(12) Print photos

Whoa, so many things to do!

♥Justify.
I can't stand the way people treat other people. Why are people so mean to each other? Hitler, Maycomb,the Whites in ARITS so on, so forth. ARRRRRRGH. I don't understand. How do you hate Hitler so bad an' turn around and be right ugly to the folks right at home? Ah, and there you sit in your splendid ignorance. I do not want to simply 'cry about the hell white people give coloured folks without stopping to think they're people too' – I simply want it to END.

STOP THE HURT & START LOVING!

I guess human beings never learn from history.

:(

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I seek strength.
I CAN'T STAND IT!

I'm here to send some SS and Physics things to 4E kids & print SS & Lit.

♥ Last Thursday
My. Today marks the last Science lesson in my whole entire life, simply because I don't plan to take Science in the future. Mr Pang can't have the Saturday classes anymore :( Ah well, I guess from here on, we're pretty much on our own.

Soon, the often taken for granted sea of blue shall be no more. The shoes shuffling in unison, from class to class, shall be a distant cry. The classroom where we sit, sleep, listen, talk and even eat (Miss Ong's sweets) shall no longer be of commonplace. The hymns that are always played in the morning, the heat we have to endure every Tueday and Wednesday morning, the prayers, Miss Adeline Ng, the powerpoints and notes... oh.

Mrs Tan didn't come to school yesterday, cause her father-in-law's car broke down and she had to go pick her son up! Hahaha, she gave us feedback over the phone. Gee, my first time ever.. She came to school today, though it was rather short, we got our BTs back! She hasn't returned us everything though.. I get rather sad immediately after people tell me I'm -. Why can't they accept me as I am.. Ah, I guess this should be the least of my worries. Honestly, I don't really care, it doesn't really matter right? Anyway it's just me :)

Okay, tmr is the last day of school.

:(

♥ The tragedy, with a hint of irony.

What a tragedy it is that the week that shall follow shall be the last week I shall ever go to school. Something taken for granted for far too long, yet so crucial. Ah, I guess all good things really do come to an end. It'll be the very last week of walking around and... wait! There's no more homeroom system too! Well, last week of regular lessons. Oh, and I sat there in my splendid ignorance.

The irony is, that the lesson that I feared for so long, would come to an end the fastest, is the last one. Literature. We still have Literature the following week. I know.

I know, it's rather pointless saying this, but I had the urge to do so.

Came here to check my mail for Mr Pang's Prelim papers, out of the 6 only 1 seems to be of relevance. Ah, he tried anyway, and that 1 is pretty important!

♥ Make the change.
(But, if it were really that simple, why doesn't everyone just do it?)

Okay, today school was rather productive. SS we went through our BT but I don't quite understand why I got 7. Hm, maybe I should stay back tmr, for night studies and ask. Chem, we went through BT too. English was so exciting that I can't wait for tmr - finally the MARKER'S REPORT! Ahhhhhh, my hearts racing again. I'm rather perplexed by somethings though. I had a huge revelation about 'tolerance' too. But, Mrs Tan says they're different contexts, one in the sociological and the other in cats. (literary and language) She says I shouldn't try to figure out all the problems of the world. Easier said than done, sadly.

Then, after recess we had our angle properties test, which was fun. I'm really glad Miss Ong had that test, cause I've realised that the chapter is really easy, if I'd actually bothered to learn it! Then, during History we did a Stalin SBQ set. Kind of empathised with Mr Sim. During the double Maths, we went through some tap questions, which was really good too! Miss Ong really knows what to teach us :D Then, we went through our BT. Felt really horrible for Miss Ong, I mean... ah. I think that we must always remember, teachers are humans, not superhumans. Why do we always blame everyone for poor results? My mother, father, sister, brother, cat, dog, teacher, friends... everyone but me. And, why do we only choose to be nice to some people, and right down nasty to some others.. It's rather distressing to see. OH :( :( :(

I don't understand this odd world. The ironies - they're overwhelming sometimes.
Maybe, things were made not to make sense.

I don't understand hypocrisy. Somehow, we see the hypocrisy in everything, but ourselves. What makes us any better than the missionary tea ladies in TKAM? People were ignorant then, looks like nothing has changed many years down the road. OH :( Later, went for Lit but after a while I headed home, cause I couldn't study there. Didn't go straight home, walked around to learn prejudice quotes. Then, headed home.

Oh, there are so many answers I seek. I need to ___________ after O Levels. Thoughts about the world, can wait as Mrs Tan pointed out very aptly to me.

A boy asks his mother: "Mummy, mummy, does this bookshop sell friction books?" If you haven't got it yet (fear not I took some time to figure it out too) what her meant was fiction books.

Letitia just called me to ask me about History. She calls Lenin "Linin" :D
Talk about adorable :)
-
Oh, tmr is Mrs Tan's last Monday everrrrrrrrrrr :( She didn't come on her last Friday ever! Hm, maybe she was helping Mrs Low out or something.

♥Graduation ceremony on Tuesday!

Just got back from the forum with Mr Michael Palmer. It was rather insightful as we could link issues dealt with in To Kill a Mockingbird with everyday life in Singapore. More so, we were able better understand the complexity of the human nature. I must say we have definitely come far from the extremism of prejudice in the past, though divides do linger quietly. Even though it may not be perfect, we should give thanks for our peace and harmony.

We discussed a myriad of issues, ranging from cultural ideas such as the salad bowl or melting pot to how race and religion can simply be a scapegoat in irrational hostilities. The role of language in our community was also an issue brought up. The forum was an opportunity for us to consider things from a different perspective, where race and religion is concerned.

The forum served as reinforcement that moral courage is crucial. In the novel, Atticus Finch, a morally-driven lawyer defined courage as to "know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what".

1. Acknowledge - When dealing with injustice, learn to have the serenity to acknowledge the fact that life was never made to be fair. Unfortunately, no one is spared of the 'halo effect'. It is simply human to judge based on appearance, no matter how unjust it may be. Acknowledge, do not accept it as fate or deny its existence. Neither be too cynical of human beings as we have many redeeming qualities as well. Acknowledging is the first step towards change.

2. Aspire - Believe that change is possible. Believe that you can be the change. We don't need to change the world. Simply make a conscious effort to act out of love, understanding and faith. Remain optimistic and remember that we can do wonders by simply acting the best way we know.

3. Act - When all is said and done, what really matters is our actions. We need to align our ethics with our actions. Surely there would be times where we lose ourselves, but no one is perfect. All that really matters is that we try our best to ensure that our actions parallel our ethical beliefs. As Scout very aptly points out, “how can you hate Hitler so bad an' then turn around and be ugly about the folks right at home?"

Oh noooooooo, Tuesday is our GRADUATION CEREMONY! It's an ominous sign that I'm going to leave SJC soon. I can't bear to. Noooooooooo, it can't be happening. :(

♥ I'm so confused.

Many thoughts eat at me. They gnaw at me, triumphant at the confusion. I'm trying to figure out human nature (I know, the impossible to define but key to a better grasp of my text). Someone once implied that humans are blank slates and are subjected to change by their environment. I mean really, what does go into the making of one's character. Alas, no answers for this oddity. Is change the essence of life? Or is it faith? There's this poster in the Physics lab that reads, (something along the lines of)



''God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"



Okay, I spent about an hour and a half this morning thinking outside the Lit classroom. It is my opinion, that humans need unwaivering faith in God (with awareness, comes acceptance) to survive. It is the pinnacle of all. We are creatures of purpose & without it we find emptiness. The unwaivering faith, must be a quiet yet decisive force.



However, obsession is NOT unwaivering faith. Rather it is an ominous sign that faith is sorely lacking. You see, when one obsesses, they do not trust God wholly and therefore resort to worrying about their issues themselves. If one truly trusts, there's no need for worry. Those who trust in God can and will be alright.



Prejudice is a sad injustice. Those who are subjected to it, find themselves a slave to thoughts of freedom from it. Although dreams serve the purpose of keeping people hopeful, the comparison of 'could bes' and reality is a source of deep disatisfaction. Essentially, these people start obsessing, and we cannot blame them. It is important to acknowledge that out of tragedy character grows. However, once they are aware of the importance of faith and accept the injustice, change is very likely. More often than not, the struggle is not regreted. It simply teaches compassion and empathy.



I guess one has to stop obsessing and start doing. I guess we have to love the sinner, but morality demands of us to hate the sin. And, when I say this, I do not mean it in a way of condemnation, denigration or to belittle. But more so, in the sense that when one does something bad and they feel really bad, they really need love. I am well aware this is easier said than done. This is epitomised in the Mama's sentiment that the time to love someone is when 'he's at his lowest and he can't believe in himself cause the world done whipped him so.' We must realise that everyone makes mistakes.

Oh, and Lit today was great. And, you know about what Mrs Tan said, I kind of expected it, so wasn't overly suprised. Why are people so dedicated and others so ignorant..

♥Contrast.

Hah, it's interesting that after that wonderful day in school, I kept crying in school. Yeah, the day that followed was horrible. I think I scared my classmates who saw me crying during lesson, desprately trying to cover it up. It was a never-ending flow of water-works. I don't really know why though, but mostly because I was freaked out about Lit. It's not like other subjects, cause it's so subjective in nature. It's like my heart kept stopping everytime I thought about going in for the exam. It was a traumatising & extremely terryfying experience. I wish I had a magic wand that could make me happy all the time.

Anyway, I tried to listen to Mrs Lee as hard as I could to get my mind off things. She gave us TKGS Pure Chemistry paper. Well, then we went for Maths. I asked Sam how to do this question that involved the integration of a powered trigonometric function. And, she said so matter-of-fact-like 'can integrate what.' Haha, actually I couldn't see how. I was totally demoralised. I know, I shouldn't get affected so easily. I tried & tried & tried, but I couldn't. I was so.. volatile, on the verge of tears. Then, I went to ask Madeline, who said actually cannot. Must manipulate using the cos2A thingy. Ahhhhhh, it was chaos and confusion.

And, to make matters worse, Miss Ong came to say that my Emaths BT Paper, 'Don't know what happen, very horrendous'. Okay, then the tears came back and never went away. I felt so out of control. Ugh, I then realised that I had been neglecting my Emaths for A. Afterall, Amaths was my worst this Prelim, especially Paper 1, so I wanted to work on it. I think its stupid to cry about studies, when there's so much injustice and hunger in this world. But, I guess I'm still Sec 4 and well, I have to fall at some point or another.

During PE Courtney, Samantha, Sarah, Corinne, Michelle, Letitia & Madeline cheered me up. Ah, I wish I wasn't such a sad kid. But anyway, thanks :) Later during Physics, when Mr Pang was out, I went to talk with Stephanie, Nithya, Qi Shan & Kristy and they all wanted Lit lessons, which made me estatic! :D So, we went to find Mrs Tan with Sam & Sarah to tell her, but we couldn't find her. But, finally, I didn't feel ostracised, like I was the only one who felt stressed for Lit. Just knowing that my fellow 4E mates wanted class was good enough. Sometimes, I feel so inferior when I do things out of my heart & friends think I'm crazy. Maybe, I should care less about what people think & just do it. Ah, easier said than done.

I really get bothered my classmates keep saying I'm -, even teachers. I mean, we're all the same! It's just a matter of time.. I think. I can't deal with that kind of dumb stress, like as if I'm -er than others, when it isn't true. :( :( :(

Anyway, Mrs Tan assuaged my fears later by agreeing to teach us during the holiday.

♥Mrs Debra Tan is leaaaaaaaaaaving :(

Okay, today had triple period Lit, though a little part of it was taken away by the school drinking vitagen :( AH, THEY ALWAYS EAT INTO LIT LESSONS! Okay anyway, it was a really good lesson. Mrs Tan explained that the Band A and B simply had a 'difference of style'. I finally got it :) Well, I got 20/25, which is a B, because I have no style whatsoever, especially when writing in such time constraints. Anyway, I must find out how to write with style! What a revelation!

Okay, then she told us about this whole 4-generation teacher thing in SJC. Omg, I think its so coooooooooooooooooooooooooooool!
I JUST HAVE TO BE A TEACHER!
I want to be posted to SJC too!
I really really really cannot bear to leave this place. I mean its just so wonderful :) Haha, when she was talking about her teacher, Mrs Lau, I was thinking about how that's exactly how I feel about her. She said Mrs Lau had a way of explaining that you would just understand. Mrs Tan too! And, the irony is that Mrs Lau used to tell her not to 'cloud' & Mrs Tan told me the same thing too! Hahaha, she was so fierce when she told me I had substantiate my point and not simply make baseless ones. Annnnd, Mrs Tan told herself she has to be a teacher like Mrs Lau! Well, the way she described Mrs Lau, was as if she was describing herself okay! (Hm, wonder if she noticed that)

I have to develop style! But how? I was merely trying to show the marker (in this case, it was her) I was explicitly answering the question.. Maybe I shouldn't be so repetitive. (I know SS & History demands of us to repeat the key phrases (word for word) like 3 times within one paragraph, according to Mr Sim) Maybe, I shouldn't use the exact terms in the question like my other humanities? Maybe, I don't feel strongly enough for the themes to develop the style. Maybe I'm too mechanical and make laboured arguements. I MUST!

Finally the whole A-B thing is making sense to me! I'm overjoyed! Yaaaaaay, Mrs Tan!

I think it's so dumb that people actually spell Dolphus Raymond as Dufus Ramone and things like that. What has that person been doing these two years studying Literature!? Hahaha, I don't think its exam stress right? And, sentences like..

There was this guy Tom who was a nigger negro who married a nigger and had black colour children. OR

Tom Robinson was a black colour man. AND

instead of Jem spelling his name as Jerm!

Are you kidding me? What ignorance, of a text so rich. It's no wonder Mrs Tan's blood boils when she marks. None were from the classes she teaches though. I don't want her to leeeeeeeave (I know, how selfish of me). I mean once she leave, we'll all never see each other again on such a regular basis as it has been this past two years! (I think it'll be as bad as leaving Choir or worse.) I simply adore Lit lessons, they've become such an integral part of life (like Choir) and I can't bear to have them end too!

History lesson proved some insight as well. Mr Sim always pointed out that my arguements were rather lopsided. I always wondered how one can give a balanced arguement (hypothesis questions) if most topics mainly had only three aspects (economic, social, political and maybe military). Mr Sim said one can have both agree & disagree! I hope hypothesis type comes out at the O Levels! I love the fact it's very similar to expository writing in English. Oh, and we got our booklet too! Whoa, I'm finally a full-fledged O Level kid with the booklet. (I know its a little late)

Stayed back for Choir to help Soprano1.

Okay, today was a very very good day at school. I just came here to reiterate and reinforce what I've learnt. I'm thinking of - but, I don't know who to ask. Provide me with some direction to do your will please?

♥Tmr's teachers' day celebrations at school :D

Anyway, Saturday was Carnival Day. At first, I went with Sarah, Yolanda, Hui Shan & Zoe. But, I got bored of people getting dunked, so I slipped away & got lost in the world of SJC Spirit. I went around taking pictures of all kinds of things that I'd like to remember about SJC. Haha, but I'll put those photos up at the end of the school year. Met lotsa people too. Later, went with Ying Hui, but decided to roam around alone, yet again. :D

♥Nishta Ananda
Angels, they burn inside for us.

I strongly believe that we are where we are for a reason, it's all part of God's plan. Let's make the most of what we have been given, helping each other out of the struggles of life. Let's love, love as God loves us.

I think that everyone is fighting some kind of battle everyday. We should try to help each other out & sometimes help ourselves out. By remembering that our purpose in life is to love & be an instrument to God. Always be a little kinder than necessary.

I'm not an idealist or anything. Simply a person who believes in God & leaves her faith in His arms. I aspire to be a Literature teacher. I'm a Literature and History enthusiast. I enjoy Literature lessons, and I'd love to return to the classroom. In the absence of love, there is nothing worth fighting for.